Skip to content

Noelist

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

My favorite Christmas came just a few years ago as a direct result of me being a butthead. I’m a notoriously awkward gift giver, and I am not much better on the receiving end. So late one year I’m being pestered by my sister and mother over what I wanted for Christmas. I said exactly what was in my heart: nothing. I want nothing. Pure cynical Noelism, that’s what that was. Coming over and visiting or hearing them on the phone is the only gift I need, etc., etc.

But they were both subtle and persistent. At the end of a conversation I’d get the question again. And they refused to take nothing for an answer. And I refused to say anything they might find useful. And on it went. Finally I decided to break up the monotony and answer with helpful suggestions like, “a fan blade.” “Some aquarium gravel.” “A test tube.”

Christmas drew nearer and they finally stopped asking. Ah, the best gift of all, I thought. So on Christmas Day I went to my mother’s house and unloaded what I hoped would be moderately non-embarrassing gifts and got ready to enjoy world-class home cooking, the only gift a single guy ever really needs.

But I was first directed to a section under the tree where three boxes with my name were lurking. I opened a wrapping with an exquisite jewelry box containing one (1) small test tube nestled in a luxurious blue velvet lining. Next, a small lumpy bag. Delicious candy and fruit? No way. A fun-sized™ bag of multicolored aquarium gravel. By now I had my suspicions about the long narrow box but I still reckoned it was a tie or belt or something NORMAL.

NOT A CHANCE. It was a single ceiling fan blade.

I got a few usual practical things but I don’t remember anything else about that day except that I never have laughed so much over a 24-hour period before or since. Best Christmas ever by a mile.

Filed in Levity, Other, Self-incrimination | | Comments (0)

HONEY, I’M HOME!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Viciousness is just a cost of doing business here in America’s Eternal Boomtown. Not any amount of attaboys and company recognition tokens, nor the number of badges on your lanyard will help you when it’s time to rightsize the workforce.

One example from a few years ago. A suit and another large gentleman come by a cubicle. Your cubicle. You hear a faint murmur in the room, then silence. “Hands away from the keyboard!” The large gentleman unplugs your computer and disconnects any network cables in case you’ve got something funny planned. You are given a memo from Human Resources. The obligatory cardboard box is handed over and you have about five minutes max to collect your personal belongings, which are inspected by the suit and the large gentleman. “Where is your car parked?” You are led away from as much other office activity as possible to the parking lot and ordered to leave the premises at once. After the shaking subsides enough you manage to put your keys in the ignition and start your car, and make your way onto the public street as a company security vehicle follows you off the premises and tails you for a block or two.

That night, you try to piece together the day’s events. It seems crazy but the few co-workers you passed on the way out sounded like they were softly quacking like nervous ducks in the presence of a predator.

Filed in Gravity, Other | | Comments (0)

Technical and documentary imaging.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Tuesday at the Lowe Mill meeting I was graciously given the opportunity to speak briefly about a service I’m going to start up: technical and documentary photography.

Artists should have their work documented, for their own records, for grant applications, and submissions to competitions and juried shows. I have spoken to a couple of jurors who have told me that poor photos have caused them to reject submissions. A high-quality photo can make a difference.

Right now I plan to offer accurate photo documentations of visual artwork — paintings, small sculpture, and glass — on your site at reasonable prices. Future plans include 360-degree capture and even 3-D imaging.  I’m also interested in more technical and scientific imaging. That’s a bit on down the line.

I’ll have more info on Facebook and unclaimedmysteries.net as this operation gets going. I can always be reached via email at: clsmith@unclaimedmysteries.net or unclaimedmysteries@gmail.com.

Filed in Other, Photography, Science | | Comments (0)

Not Helping

Monday, June 27, 2011

I’m not crazy about driving traffic to realclearpolitics, but this time …

David Carr

David Carr's forehead of unusual inclination.

Maher and the panel on his HBO show were lamenting the stance of New Jersey governor Chris Christie on the issue of state-sanctioned gay marriage. Maher said it was one thing for states such as Alabama and Kansas to not be on board with the idea, but not his beloved New Jersey, one of the “smart states.” This prompted New York Times columnist and media critic David Carr to take it to the next level, and refer to “those middle” states as “the dance of the low sloping foreheads.”

I’ve always believed there was less to Bill Maher’s act than meets the eye. And as for media critic guy, well, he actually comes across as the Major Burns of the group, failing so hard to keep up with the panel’s witty barbs.

The fact is there are gay people who live in these untrendy, unsmart states, remaining here for whatever reason despite it all. And every time an insular coastal media star cuts loose with this sort of remark, it just makes their lives that much harder. For now as if the bigots even needed another reason to hate, oppress, or worse on Southern and “middle” gay and lesbian people, they now have the added fuel of SPITE.

P.S. : Dave Dooling on Facebook observes, “Doesn’t this moron realize that the term originated as a racist slur against Asians? He just used the equivalent of the N-word.”

Filed in Other | | Comments (0)

A Zombie’s Lament

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A couple of years ago I fell in with a bunch of low-life actors called Crash Boom Bang Theatre.  I wanted just to write a few sketches and maybe do an offstage  voiceover or two.  I ended up actually performing with them. Whenever they have needed an unhinged authority figure, I have been there.  But there was this one sketch I really wanted to see them put on, inspired by their dictum that zombies are automatically funny.  Several times it got accepted, then cut at the last minute for some gol-dern reason or another. I’ve gotten other sketches accepted and performed, but never this one. The one I loved most of all.

William Faulkner once advised writers to “kill your darlings.”  I’m 100% sure he was talking directly to me through time and space.  But since killing is a little redundant in this case, I’ll just post it here it is for each and every one of of my blog reader(s).

 

A ZOMBIE’S LAMENT

by Corry Lee Smith for Crash Boom Bang Theatre, Huntsville, AL

ACT I

Scene 1

PEACEFUL NIGHTTIME SCENE IN A PARK, CRICKETS CHIRPING. ZOMBIE #1 LOOKS ABSENT-MINDEDLY OVER  THE AUDIENCE. ZOMBIE #2 STUMBLES UPON THE SCENE, BOTH BEGIN TO MOAN AND MAKE SLOW AGRESSIVE GESTURES AT ONE ANOTHER. THEN THEY RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER AS ZOMBIES AND ADOPT SEMI-NORMAL POSTURE. THEY CHUCKLE. ZOMBIES SIT DOWN ON PARK BENCH, LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD MOST OF THE TIME. THEIR SPEECH IS SLIGHTLY SLURRED, BUT CONVERSATIONAL AND COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE.

 

ZOMBIE #1

You ever get tired of this?

 

ZOMBIE #2

Tired of what?

 

ZOMBIE #1

This. Zombie. “Arrrgh.” Don’t you wish you could just pass on to the next life?

 

ZOMBIE #2

Nah. I get to see the world, man. I never traveled so much when I was alive. I get respect now, too. I was a wimp back then. Now, people get that look of FEAR when they see me. Payback, baby! GAAAHHRR! I’m somebody now!

 

ZOMBIE #1 NOTICES ZOMBIE #2′S FULL BELLY.

 

ZOMBIE #1

Two or three somebodies, from the looks of it.

 

ZOMBIE #2

Good times, eh?

 

ZOMBIE #1

Yeah, good times.

 

THEY BOTH PAUSE.

 

ZOMBIE #1

Is he coming?

 

ZOMBIE #2

I’m sure of it.

 

ZOMBIE #1

You said that last night.

 

PAUSE.

 

ZOMBIE #1

You know, there is something I miss.

 

ZOMBIE #2

And that is?

 

ZOMBIE #1

Variety.

 

ZOMBIE #2

Who needs that? Fresh brains have all the nutrition a rotting zombie needs!

 

ZOMBIE #1

Don’t get me wrong, I love brains. I just wish we could, you know, cleanse the palate sometimes.

 

ZOMBIE #2

Brains are the fruit of the skull, man. You can barbecue brains, boil brains, broil brains, bake brains, saute brains. You got brain-kabobs, brain creole, brain gumbo, pan-fried, deep-fried, stir-fried, there’s pineapple brains, lemon brains, coconut brains, pepper brains, brain soup, brain stew, brain salad, brain and potatoes, brain burger, brain sandwich. That’s about it.

 

ZOMBIE #1

And wash it down with a tall cold Braineken!

 

ZOMBIE #2

Braineken? FUCK THAT SHIT! Brain Blue Ribbon!

 

ZOMBIE #1

Okay, then.

 

********

OPTIONAL SONG “I’M ONLY HAPPY EATING BRAINS” SUNG BY ZOMBIE #1 AND ZOMBIE #2. AFTER SONG, THEY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER, WITH MANNEQUIN HAND AND ARM, AND RETURN TO BENCH.

I’m only happy eating brains
My diet isn’t very complicated
And Jenny Craig won’t appreciate it
I’m only happy eating brains

I miss a lot of French cuisine
I used to be in the foodie scene
Now your cerebellum fills my dreams
I’m only happy eating brains

I stumble through the night with no will
My zombie tummy keeps grumbling until
I get to fire up my Zombie Grill
I’m only happy eating brains

Brains, brains, brains brains
Eating human brains
Goodness, how delicious
Eating human brains

I may be dead but I’m no fool
They say you kill the head and kill the ghoul
Well I don’t think that is one bit cool
I’m only happy eating brains

Why did you have to be so unkind
I didn’t think that I was out of line
When I said I love you for your mind
I’m only happy eating brains

Brains, brains, brains brains
Eating human brains
Goodness, how delicious
Eating human brains

********

LONG PAUSE.

 

ZOMBIE #2

It won’t be long now.

 

ZOMBIE #1

I wonder what he looks like.

 

ZOMBIE #2

I think we’re about to find out.

 

ZOMBIES NOTICE A FIGURE APPROACHING FROM OFFSTAGE.

 

ZOMBIE #1

He’s here! He did come!

 

ZOMBIE #2

Told ya!

 

DELIVERY PERSON ENTERS, WITH PIZZA, SLIGHTLY CONFUSED, CHECKING SLIP. ZOMBIES SIT QUIETLY AND STARE, BEGINNING TO MOAN UNDER THEIR “BREATH.”

 

DELIVERY

I uh, have a large pepperoni for a Mister Zaambighmrr-ugh?

 

BRIEF PAUSE. DELIVERY PERSON PUTS PIZZA ON BENCH BETWEEN ZOMBIES AND BEGINS BACKING AWAY SLOWLY. SUDDENLY ZOMBIES ATTACK DELIVERY PERSON, EVENTUALLY MOVING OFFSTAGE.

 

ZOMBIE #2

HARMAN BRRRAINS! Grrrr-agh!

 

ZOMBIE #1

B-B-BRAINS!

 

ZOMBIE #1 LAGS BEHIND, WISTFULLY (!) LOOKS BACK AT PIZZA BOX ON BENCH. ZOMBIE #2 REACHES BACK WITH ONE ARM AND GRABS ZOMBIE #1 BACK INTO THE ATTACK AS ALL THREE MOVE COMPLETELY OFF STAGE.

END

Copyright 2011 Corry Lee Smith.
Filed in Levity | | Comments (1)

Spotting the fastball

Monday, May 16, 2011

A couple of weeks ago during a rain-delayed baseball game, the Braves radio broadcasters filled the time with stories about former pitcher Greg Maddux, a player Jim Rome once admiringly called “a witch.” It seems that one year at spring training, Maddux was throwing in a practice session and attracted an large audience of rookies and minor leaguers. They wanted to see how he got opposing batters out even though he lacked the 95+ MPH velocity that many of them possessed. Surely there was some classified ultra-secret pitching mojo technique at work here. Had he gone to the Crossroads like Robert Johnson? Was he a witch?

Maddux saw the gathering and paused. Then he casually said, “You all really wanna know why I have some sweet beach property in Southern California? Because I know how to spot the fastball.” Whoosh. He delivered another darting but modest fastball to the bullpen catcher, who moved his glove maybe one or two nanometers from the target.

Ever since I started doing photography for real about nine years ago, I’ve made do with, well, less than cutting-edge gear. I’m definitely not engaging in reverse snobbery here, because I know I’ve missed a bunch of shots and other opportunities due to equipment limitations. But that hasn’t made me less satisfied with what I do. It has forced me to carefully pick my opportunities, and improvise a bit more than you pro cats. But it’s still knowing where to stand and when to push the button. Spotting the fastball.

I don’t know if I would be any good or better if I had a Canon 5D MkII dropped in my lap, although I’d LOVE to have the opportunity to find out. (If you would like to help me perform this crucial scientific experiment contact me right here on this page.) ;-)

Anyway, I still appreciate photography. It has helped me see things in this would I never would have noticed otherwise, and even kept me from devolving into a completely asocial hermit in my middle age. And when I do make a picture that sells, gets me a clipping or byline, or just pleases someone, it’s probably a case of knowing how to spot the fastball.

Filed in Other, Photography | | Comments (0)

Don’t ask, “can I?” Ask, “I can!”

Friday, February 11, 2011
Steve Holt Snowman

Father and son.

Nine inches of snow in Alabama in early January drove us all a little crazy. By “us” I mean me, mostly. Snow is my second least favorite thing to fall out of the sky, the first being an airplane with me in it. Fortunately, Arrested Development’s Steve Holt (STEVE HOLT!) appeared to show us the way through the crisis by challenging us to ask, “I can!”

Steve Holt Snowman

Steve celebrates Auburn's recent championship by appearing to threaten to slash the tires of nearby parked cars with a bread knife. Rock on, Beatrice. (BEATRICE!)

Now, the innermost secrets of the Steve Holt (STEVE HOLT!) snowman can be revealed.

Steve Holt Snowman, photo tripod skeleton visible

That's not creepy AT ALL.

A broken, soon to be discarded aluminum photo tripod was inverted and became not only the spine for the Steve Holt snowm- (STEVE HOLT!) -an, but fully adjustable arms as well. Fitting the jacket was a piece of cake. This endoskeleton had no trouble supporting the jacket and maintaining the arms at the desired angle.

God, “Bob,” and/or the Flying Spaghetti Monster willing, there won’t be another hateful snowfall like this any time soon, but I’m making rough sketches of Easter Island snow heads just in case. Many thanks to Jagosaurus for providing the venue and technical support for the Steve Holt snowman project.

(STEVE HOLT!)

Filed in Levity | | Comments (1)

Here’s how it works, son, courtesy the Official Bookie of the Revolution

Friday, February 11, 2011

Six E-Z steps:

  1. The US desires an illusion of stability even at the price of supporting a brutal dictator for over three decades.
  2. US ignores the fundamental change desired by the people, letting down another sucker populace who thought the world’s greatest bastion of freedom would be on their side when the chips were down.
  3. Our guy hangs on and on and on, resulting more in more unrest and possibly an even more brutal crackdown.
  4. The original revolutionaries are suppressed, leaving only the most radical forces willing to fight the existing government. They gain popular support.
  5. Those radical forces overthrow the government, creating yet another threat to Our Way Of Life. The endless war continues.
  6. Profit!

My friends, if you don’t want to be left out of Step 6 why not get in on the action with the Official Bookie of The Revolution. Exciting teasers, wicked-cool prop action, combo parleys and more that will almost make you forget the Empire crumbling all around you! Watch for web site coming soon! Think Glenn Beck’s Chalkboard is awesome? Wait until you see the CRISWELL MACHINE (patent pending) predict the future with uncanny accuratude!

Filed in Gravity, Levity | | Comments (0)

.750

Thursday, December 30, 2010

4 sketches for PL Halftime

4 sketches for PL Halftime

Purgatory Lounge is an amazing bizarro lounge show put on from time to time at the FlyMo Theatre in Huntsville, with an even more amazing premise:  The newly departed appear on stage in much the same shape as they left the world, and must sing their way out of Purgatory to whatever awaits them.  Performances can turn from slapstick to sentimental to chilling in an instant.

This concept is the brainchild of Matt Bakula — of the Pine Hill Haints, The Counterclockwise, and Crash Boom Bang Theatre. Obviously a busy man. He became even busier this fall 2010 when four shows over a six-week span were scheduled. At 10-12 performers per show, this meant there was going to be a lot of material needed.  I was assigned to be the “halftime” segment, and was generously given a blank check to fill it with whatever sketch ideas came to mind — usually at the last minute. Call it Just-In-Time comedy writing.

I tried to make it concise and weird, and I pretty much met those objectives. I also tried to make a connection of some kind to the setting of Purgatory.  There was a clueless ghosthunter, whose noisemaking contraptions conjured up more interference with fast-food drive-thrus than ghosts. My favorite was ZOLTAR on the skids, trying to get his groove back.  The Official Bookie of Purgatory not only took bets on various performers in the show, but introduced an unsuspecting audience to a next-world tale of none other than J. R. “Bob” Dobbs.  Finally, a holiday sketch featuring Santa administering the infamous Milgram Obedience Experiment might have pushed the weirdness needle too far into the red, but it was worth trying anyway. A wise friend reminded me that 3 out of 4 makes a pretty good batting average.

This was a fun and exciting experience for me at a time when I desperately needed some distraction. Many thanks to Matt Bakula, the musicians of Purgatory’s Blue Light Band,  and the members of Crash Boom Bang Theatre.

Filed in FlyMo/CBBT, Levity, Self-incrimination | | Comments (1)

Just speculating

Monday, December 6, 2010
Just speculating (Assange/1984 image)

Just speculating

Filed in Other | | Comments (1)