al.com: My new theory

My new theory is that the new al.com  — Huntsville Times, Birmingham News, Mobile Press-Register, etc., — is actually an anti-journalism performance art project. They cannot be serious.

clckbaitfordittoheads

What’s the problem with this particular collection of clickbait? It’s not so much the bobbing for dittoheads “poll” about global warming. It’s the second link title, which assumes that a scientific theory is either proven or it is a myth.  That’s not even wrong.

You can find well-written explanations of the word “theory” from Mr. Google.  Meanwhile I’ll enjoy the performance art that is your al.com.

citizenkaneclapping

Some people are SO ungrateful.

Dear unappreciative #hick,

The other day when I was cruising along the highways and byways — especially the byways — of your #rustic neck of the woods, my #Traveling_Companion and I saw your #dilapidated structure and it filled us with a sense of #wonder.  Our #academic_training and #artistic_sensibility saw beyond the banal #poverty and #suffering and beheld instead a vista of #preciousjunk that we simply couldn’t resist documenting for our jointly #curated #photoblog called #edgy_yet_quaint.

Thinking no one could possibly live in such a #squalid example of #rural_decay, we decided to stop and approach this seemingly #abandoned #throwback to a simpler time, a time before such things as #instagram and #cabletv. Not to mention #indoor_plumbing and #curb_appeal, but #I digress.

The last thing we expected was to have our raised #iPhones met with your frightening countenance, telling us to get off your property. I do even believe that was a #gun I saw on your hip. We weren’t trying to trespass or anything of the sort. We certainly have the means to purchase our own #moonshine #meth_lab supplies without plundering your lousy #tetanus_opportunity_zone.

Don’t you know who we are? We’re the #instagram_angels, you stupid #hillbilly #fsck. We seek to uplift such pathetic sights as your “house” with the use of our #filters, #witty_captions, and #endless _condescending_hashtags. You should be #thankful that we even bothered to give your #piece_of_crap #woodpile a second look. I’ve seen and driven PAST much worse than you, #peckerwood and not even lifted my #smartphone to frame it.

So yeah, okay, technically, we were #trespassing, but your #notcool #unhip behavior has cost you dearly.

I’m sorry it had to come to this.

We hereby remove all hashtags and pointers to the instagram photo we made of your unfashionably shabby house in the sticks may “g/God” have mercy on your soul.

 

Nobody tells me these things.

On this insomnaniacal evening I have been looking over some Pro-White™ literature with great interest. The strangest part is that I have been white my entire life and never realized I could even turn pro. I have really left some serious prize money on the table, that’s for sure.

Why We Gripe

I do so want to confirm this quote by Bradford Berenson, a lawyer in the George W. Bush administration:

“The dirty little secret here is that the United States government has enduring institutional interests that carry over from administration to administration and almost always dictate the position the government takes.”

… because it says in nicely rounded words the cruel, ugly thing that Americans suspect but still hope is not true: Our votes, our very participation in public policy discussions, from lyrically beautiful blog posts like mine ;-) to raving talk-radio phone calls, is for sh1t.

The good news I guess is that it lets us off the hook for our nation’s ill-advised adventures over the years. The bad news is that we are essentially powerless Potemkin Citizens.

Keep shopping.

Active Shooter Drill Baby Drill

Keep fear alive in our public schools.

The latest, hottest, most fabulous trend in education professional wear? Goggles for the mandatory Active Shooter Drills.

Teachers Become Targets in Active Shooter Drills

Don’t forget the students either! Include them in the simulated terror for conditioning that lasts a lifetime.

“I just really wanna get shot,” she jokes. “Is that weird?”

All those fun zombie makeup skills come in quite handy now, don’t they?

But seriously, as bad as school shootings are, we can always turn them into teachable moments by staging more realistic drills, because it takes a lot more than MERE LOCKDOWNS ‘n’ PELLET GUNS to impress today’s hip teens.

A Patriotic Legacy

I propose that instead of donating your organs to perfect strangers who may even be liberals, or making a gift of your body to elitist medical schools, that you consider donating your body to Homeland Security itself.

Specify in your will that you want your remains to be used for staging school shooting scene drills for the ultimate in realism. Even in a world filled with immersive media experiences, nothing makes a bigger impression than actual human corpses at close range. Law enforcement personnel, students, faculty, and staff will never forget you and your contribution to the repetitive traumatic conditioning that we all must receive to become twitchy, highly suggestible citizens of the 21st Century Homeland. And isn’t that the most important educational legacy we can leave to our children?

Take Cover Action Now

Join me in my effort to have this specific directive placed on driver’s licenses and photo IDs throughout the nation:

“Upon my death, I authorize any police department or other law enforcement agency to take custody of my remains to use in realistic school shooting drills. This takes precedence over any contrary wishes of my next of kin. I authorize tasing them if they object.”

YES WE CAN!

P.S.: I probably owe the ghost of Bill Hicks ($1) for part of this proposal.

My final Sunday Huntsville paper

The present endumbassification of American journalism takes many forms.  Shown below is the start and finish of a letter to the editor of the Sunday Huntsville Times with the heading “Wind power is indeed affordable.” The author argues exactly the opposite.

SONY DSC

The writer’s case is built upon well-known fossil fuel industry talking points, but that’s not the issue here. How could a responsible Editorial Page Editor sign off on such a glaring mistake in the first place? Let’s look and see who the editors are  …

SONY DSC

I see a Community News Director, a Vice-President of Content, and several more job titles that look like they came straight out of a list of  Bullsh*t Bingo buzzwords. But no actual Editor.  Ah, who cares, it’s just CONTENT anyway.

Today we are all “Corry Lee Smith (unclaime”

Dear Keeper of the Personal Data on some listing you bought from some joker on the Interwebz,

My name is Corry Lee Smith. I am listed under court reporter/secretarial services at 3310 Wildwood Dr in Huntsville AL. I am not at that address and have never been in the court reporting business, although I’m sure it’s a fine profession with steady job prospects in an increasingly litigious world.

Let’s not add to that trend and at the same time you can do me, the people who may be wanting to hire me, and people actually looking for real court reporters a solid and remove my listing under this category.

Yer pal,
CLS