The producers of the next Crash Boom Bang project asked each performer to come up with “back stories” for their characters. UH-OH. I’m supposed to be a wealthy buyer of a painting rumored to possess supernatural qualities. After careful consideration, I was able to narrow my back story down to four possibilities. Enjoy.
- Streetwise hooker with a heart of gold, willing to spend her life savings for a chance to escape her world and enter the magical world of the painting. Like a Thomas Kinkade on acid.
- Time traveling robot sent from the future to bring art to an advanced but artless civilization. His first choice was to buy up BFI dumpsters as erotic sculpture but was dissuaded by the gallery manager at the last minute. He has difficulty exchanging galactic credits for 21st century Earth money, so he has to pay an arm and a leg for the painting. Suddenly government agents swoop in to seize the cybernetic limbs but let the robot return to the future, with the painting and a lot of explaining to do.
- A laid-back convenience store clerk from Alabama takes a wrong turn on the way to Bonnaroo and ends up in a gigantic field of beautiful sunflowers. There he befriends and bonds with an orphaned magical pink unicorn. A unicorn that craps $100 bills. ($1 to Chris Bellomy.)
- Wealthy defense contractor with a secret. Despite his bragging about being a crucial part of the war effort, he actually made his fortune by inventing the pool noodle, and convinces the army to buy one million pool noodles to send to Afghanistan. He fears none of his arms merchant contemporaries will take him seriously unless he decorates his mansion with expensive art. He’s tall, balding, and says more than he knows about art. Kinda like Cliff Claven on Cheers. This annoys the gallery manager.
Astonishingly, the producers seem to favor #4.