Campaign diary

By request here is a collection of my updates on Facebook while trying to defeat that wily foe, my opponent. My opponent got the best of me this time, but the experience made me a better, more gracious person. So in a very real sense, I won. And you, the undeserving electorate, lost. Enjoy!

  • Corry Lee Smith is gonna clean up Mongummery.
  • Corry Lee Smith The fact that my opponent keeps pointing out my campaign lies just shows that he has no ideas of his own.
  • Corry Lee Smith I’m not a politician, but I play one in this election. Help me get over the hump and clean up the mess.
  • Corry Lee Smith My socialist opponent is guilty of treason, wants to tax small businesses out of existence, and throws like a girl.
  • Corry Lee Smith Illegal Muslim anchor babies from beyond the fourth dimension are invading Alabama and threatening our way of life with the help of liberal activist judges who legislate from the bench. My opponent is curiously silent on this subject.
  • Corry Lee Smith The federal government is very close to producing a Brain Ray Machine that can perform miracles. My opponent wants to defund that program in favor of more welfare for community closet organizers. Think about that on election day.
  • Corry Lee Smith I have a plan to turn tax revenue from BP’s casino-style bingo machines directly into new textbooks for our heterosexual schoolchildren, who are the leaders of tomorrow. My opponent has The Horrorâ„¢, morning, noon, and night.
  • Corry Lee Smith My opponent’s campaign headquarters is in that old motor hotel on the outskirts of town where they let sex offenders live. He says it’s an economy measure. We’ll see if he shows up for our next debate on Halloween night. At the elementary school.
  • Corry Lee Smith Yes, I’ve dabbled in witchcraft, but since my opponent is a board-certified minion of Beezlebub, it’s a legitimate form of opposition research that every candidate does. My rock-hard Alabama values remain unimpeachable.
  • Corry Lee Smith I have become a successful businessman who’s got such a good deal going that I make a million dollars every time I screw up. And now I’m running for public office because I want to … wait a minute, why the hayul do I wanna do that? WTF?
  • Corry Lee Smith If elected I promise to form a Blue Ribbon task force to look at the problem. My opponent prefers a Heineken. HEINEKEN?
  • Corry Lee Smith Mine is a typical Alabama story: Raised by wolves with deeply rooted traditional values, I put myself through law school selling “chains by the inch” at the Grand Mall. Now I’m a husband, wife, and family man to three wonderful kids and a lovingly restored 1966 Ford Thunderbird with the landau roof. My opponent plays a lot of WoW.
  • Corry Lee Smith Victory is surely ours in the upcoming election, despite the best efforts of notorious vote fraud perpetrators such as The Union of Professional Organizations, The Triphonic Commission, and The Association.
  • Corry Lee Smith My opponent just ran a radio ad in which he pronounced “humbly” as “umbly.” For the record, my name is Humpty, pronounced with an “umpty.” More distortions and lies from my opponent, as usual.
  • Corry Lee Smith Why should you object to our highly trained poll watchers scrutinizing you while you cast your ballot unless you are about to do something wrong, like vote for my opponent?
  • Corry Lee Smith You there! You’re part of that “if it feels good do it” crowd aren’t you? “Well, I’m gonna vote however many times I want to for the candidate that would let me MARRY A HORSE if I want to, right?” Our poll watchers can usually tell your kind by sight. If they get one or two wrong, go file a protest. Boo-hoo. Small price to pay to prevent my bestiality-friendly opponent from seizing the reins of power.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith Last century America, in a frenzy of technological advancement, did amazing things. We built tens of thousands of nuclear weapons that could snuff out civilization in minutes. We also began to explore outer space, even taking our first steps on the Moon. My opponent thinks we should do more of the latter. Grow up, hippie.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith Still waiting for a campaign resignation statement after this weekend’s desperate last-minute mass text message. If it didn’t work for Brett Favre, it won’t work for my opponent.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith I just sent a detailed 7-point plan for getting this country back in black and back on track to all major media. My opponent sexted a picture of his junk to Michelle Malkin. Too little, too late. Victory is surely ours.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith My opponent and I agree on one thing: While it’s important to vote, it’s even more important to feel smug about having voted and getting to wear one of those hella rad cool “I voted!” stickers on your clothes all day long.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith Well, the polls have just closed and I am prepared to declare TOTAL VICTORY over my opponent. My opponent is probably saying goodbye to his trusted inner circle of freaks, cast-offs, and ne’er-do-wells.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith Our campaign’s pole watchers are reporting some irregular shenanigans in a few boxes that are expected to be closely contested. Correction, make that *poll* watchers. Our *pole* watchers are reporting that CanDee has a new tattoo. Updates as needed.
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith My opponent and his allies in the streamlined media apparently misinterpreted my call to vote a straight ticket as some kind of “gay-bashing.” All that campaigning at Partners, and THIS is the thanks I get?
  • Corry Clyde Lee Smith CONCESSION STATEMENT FOLLOWS F*ck it, Dude, let’s go bowling. END